Life is like this.
I sit down to write, and every time, the act of writing means I’m not doing something else that I ‘should’ be doing. Like showering, or doing the dishes, or learning Italian, or sometimes even playing with my son. So I have to answer this question, as much for myself as for anyone else:
Why does personal style matter?
This question can be easily brushed off. All you have to say is, ‘Well, it’s self-expression.’
Let me pick that argument apart for a moment.
First of all, American culture values individualism almost above all else, which makes it easy to use ‘personal expression’ as a shield against self-criticism.
It’s uncomfortable to say, ‘Honestly, I want to be received well at work,’ or, ‘I want to look thin,’ or simply, ‘I want to fit in.’
But you get unlimited resources for self-expression, because that’s considered a moral good. If you want to express yourself, you get to express yourself, carte blanche.
But leaving aside for a moment whether self-expression is really the self-justification we make it out to be, what are you actually expressing with your clothing? Is it as individual as we’ve made it out to be?
If you’re out in public, look around at what people are wearing. It tends to be more of an expression of trends and culture as a whole; of what we, as a group, are currently aspiring to be.
More accurately, then, a lot of people are expressing that (1) they understand what’s trendy and (2) that they can afford to participate in that trend.
I want to be clear: this is not a criticism. So, so many of people's shopping decisions are determined by external forces. Marketing has been completely weaponized to create demand, to stir up desire, in people who otherwise might have chosen something completely different.
Maybe we aspire to self-expression, but it’s buried. I’m not sure.
Let’s start from the foundation.
We have to get dressed every day. If you'd like to go to school or work, or sit in the park with your dog, bottom line: you have to wear clothes.
So you have to choose something. What do you choose? Why do you choose it?
And don’t forget, ‘It’s self-expression’ is a forbidden answer. So what’s left? Get vulnerable with me here.
Like, do you want to look thin? Do you want to be attractive to other people? Are you looking for a partner? Are you trying to make friends? Are you trying to get attention? Are you trying to move up the corporate ladder? Are you looking for power? Are you looking for status? Are you looking for belonging in a group? Are you looking for safety?
To be clear, I’m asking myself this question. All of these are reasons I’ve chosen certain clothing at certain times.
Now, I've definitely heard clothing described as armor. So let’s go one level deeper: the reason why we care about how we look is protection; it’s safety.
This is where it gets a little scary and uncomfortable. Now, we’re doing inner child work. Now, we’re revisiting middle and high school, when we were learning how to function as part of a social group, and most of us learned that clothes were a part of succeeding at that.
I truly think that if you tried to take risks as a child or as a teenager, and that turned out not to be socially safe for you, then maybe you're afraid to take risks now. Or maybe you didn’t take risks back then, and you would like to take them now, but you're afraid to lose what you have.
If you are going to dig into personal style in an interesting way, you have to be willing to recognize that this feels risky, and then deliberately step over that line. Inch past it a little at a time. See how it feels.
This is where I am right now.
I am a mom. I just turned 30, so I've crossed into that place where I am no longer eligible to be a wunderkind. I am officially an adult. And not only that, but I am following my husband for his work.
In short, it's important for me to feel seen right now. So that is what I mean when I'm talking about personal expression. I want to be seen; I really do. I want to be seen as who I am, which is an artist, a colorful person, an adventurous person, and as someone with an eye for beauty.
And not for nothing, I do want to make friends along the way. And there's no easier way to introduce yourself to someone than by commenting on something wild or interesting that they’re wearing.
Finally, I also have a real dedication to feeling free, and that includes freedom of motion on both a small and large scale. Part of my dedication to personal style is the pursuit of great clothes that I can move in easily. I want to be able to walk across town in it and still look like a million bucks. I want to get on a plane, not be weighed down by baggage, and still look like brightest self at my destination.
I take a lot of pride in being an adaptable and flexible person. I like my wardrobe not necessarily to express that, but to serve and support me in that way.
You know I love a good bulleted list, so here it is.
Personal style matters for three reasons:
It’s a way to communicate with yourself. Treat your clothing like a mantra that you begin repeating to yourself in the morning. Every time you encounter your clothing, each time you brush the fabric or glance in the mirror, you get to appeal to yourself again. Whether you’re remembering that you’re safe, that you’re powerful, that other people can see you, that intention follows you all day long. It could be a color, a texture, a pattern, or even a story that only you know. But all these things in your clothing can have various meanings that you get to assign.
It’s a way to communicate with others. Honestly, clothing does impact how other people receive you. There are certain things that communicate very clearly what your intentions are, and how you would like to be approached. For example, if I leave the house wearing a blazer, no matter what else I have on, my husband will say, ‘Wow, you look professional today.’ Clothes have that power. You can speak that language.
It supports your lifestyle in a practical sense. What is your job? What are your hobbies? Do you need a lot of pockets, or clothes that wash easily, or that hide your pet’s hair? Do you need to be able to go from boardroom to bar in a blink? I have no idea, but you do—and that’s personal style, baby.
For me, these are the reasons why personal style is so compelling. And if there are some other, more painful motivations hiding underneath, such as the need to hide, or shrink, or blend in for safety, maybe it’s worth poking at those a little bit, just to see if we can shake them loose.
I know I’m trying.